Friday, December 10, 2010
Well thats not entirely true;
if my book doesn't get picked up, I guess I'll go back to school
if my business proposal doesn't get accepted, I guess I'll go back to school.
But God, the other options seem so much more exciting.
I know I've done everything I can already. I wrote the book. I sent a killer letter to the publishers. I wrote the business plan. I attended the meetings. I'm pretty happy with everything I've done. But if they don't like it? Then it was all for nothing. And I'm at my all too familiar 'square one'.
Every now and again (usually around Dec/Jan every year... funny that) I have a huge anxiety attack about what I'm doing - or not doing. This year is no different. I have limited funds - thanks to an international holiday I still haven't paid myself back for. I have a job with NO stability, and I have a million different ideas, none I can settle on, or make happen myself.
And every year I remind myself - hey, this year turned out alright. So take one foot, place it in front of the other, and repeat, until you end up somewhere.
That's the beauty of life. It's the things you don't expect, you don't plan for, that take you somewhere amazing.
Bring it on fate/universe/spirit-guide/karma. I trust you.
And besides, I love school.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Today I broke my golden rule: never run for a train, you look like an idiot.
Even though I've been living in Brunswick for over 18 months, I got my timetable mixed up and arrived just as the train was departing.
There was the momentary "will I, won't I" question followed by the wrong choice: I will.
Train drivers must fucking love checking their rear vision mirrors to see the disapointment dance of not-passengers when the train pulls away.
It's an awkward moment, always shared with a person you made eye contact with on the other side of the glass in the hope that connection could break down walls. Or open doors at least.
You know what? I was right to make that rule. I've had a lovely 15 min rest at the station enjoying the sun and now get to make a grand entrance to class.
Being late makes you cool.
Running for the trains makes you dumb.
That's my lesson #1 for you
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Lately I've been stuck on a really big question:
Is who I am today the person I want to be forever?
I've just finished my book, about faith, hope and love in a broken world. My story is fiction, but the premise is not. I've thought long and hard about the importance of faith, the institution of religion, the value of family and friendship and making peace with God.
Here's the thing though; five years ago, I believed something completely different. Can I submit my book for publishing, knowing that I could be quoted on things I've later changed my mind about?
The way I see it, life is a journey. There are no black and white answers. We take the situations we're presented and we shape our values daily. There are a million things that could happen in the future to change how I see the world, and I find that incredibly exciting.
So no; I don't want to be this person forever. I hope I never stop growing, learning and challenging. I just pray, that by putting my ideas on paper, I still have permission to re-shape them whenever and however I see fit.
Because what is life, if not a journey? And how can we change the world, if we're not allowed to change ourselves? And how can we live at peace if we can't accept our differences?
Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
We’d been at the club thirty minutes when I remembered what I cheap drunk I was.
‘I’m pretty pissed,’ I slurred to the boys. ‘I’m gonna go for a walk, get some air or something.’
‘Want me to come?’ asked Dave sweetly. Sweetly; because I knew how desperate he was for a minute alone with his man. I’d banned them from making out in front of me for the evening, determined not to be third wheel.
‘No,’ I managed to say, surprised by how difficult it was. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Ten minutes and we come find you!’ called Andrew as I walked away, waving his concerns off.
I went to the girls toilet and splashed water on my face. Who thought drinking was fun? I looked like a hooker and I felt sick as a dog. There were two very drunk, very young girls sharing the mirror with me.
‘Oh my God, did you see what she’s wearing?’
‘She is way too fat for that dress.’
‘I saw her and I was like, ew, put on some tights.’
‘Put on some control briefs.’
‘Control briefs! Ew!’
‘Excuse me,’ I said, trying to reach for the hand towel.
‘Oh my God, have you been crying?’ one of them asked me.
‘No, I’m just tired,’ I said, humiliated.
‘Here. Let me fix you up.’
After ten minutes of make-up and hair spray and gossip, I almost felt eighteen again, and I certainly looked it.
‘Thanks,’ I said sheepishly. ‘I feel better.’
‘You’re welcome. You’re totally hot.’
Oh, the days of our youth, I thought to myself. Maybe my life would have been different if I’d spent my formative years bitching in the girls’ toilets in clubs instead of leading prayer meetings. I could have got it all out of my system by now. I decided then and there I was too old, and too drunk to stay, so I went to find the boys to tell them I was heading home.
‘Sarah!’ I heard from the crowd. I turned around and couldn’t see anyone, so I kept looking for Dave and Andrew.
‘Sarah!’ The voice was getting closer, but I still couldn’t see who it belonged to. Hell, ‘Sarah’ isn’t the most uncommon name.
‘Sarah! Stop!’ Now I knew it was for me, and I knew who it belonged to. The last person I wanted to see out the first night I’d drunk in six months.
I turned around and shot him the angriest look I had.
‘What?’ I yelled.
‘I just wanted to say hi,’ Will said sheepishly.
‘Hi. I’m looking for Dave and Andrew,’ I said turning away.
‘Wait,’ he said, grabbing me on the arm. ‘They’re outside. I was just getting us another round of drinks. You want one?’
No. No would have been the correct answer. I was drunk. I was tired. I was old. I wanted to go home.
‘Sure,’ I shrugged.
Sure? I could have hit myself.
I followed Will back to the bar and waited in the pack for service.
‘You look good tonight,’ he yelled in my ear.
‘You can thank Britney and Christina for that.’
I shook my head. I couldn’t be bothered telling him about my run in with teen pop sensationalists. In fact, I didn’t know why I was talking to him at all. Here I was, standing in a crowded room ordering drinks with the one person who continues to ruin my life. I was done being polite.
‘I’m going,’ I yelled, trying to push my way back out of the queue.
‘Sarah, wait!’ he called, but I ignored him. What could there possibly be left to say?
I started running, pushing my way through people, wishing I was anywhere else in the world than a crowded club in the city with a million people determined to get in my way.
I was out the front before he caught up with me.
I couldn’t run anymore. I had to face this.
‘How dare you!’ I screamed. ‘How dare you come up to me and act like we’re friends after everything you’ve done in the last twelve months?’
I expected him to play dumb. To ask what I meant. What I was talking about. This was Will, the boy who didn’t believe he’d ever done anything wrong in his life. I was ready to list off every incident of him being a fuck-wit in the time we’d known each other when he grabbed me and pulled me close.
‘Because I’m in love with you, Sarah. And I can’t get over you.’
I did the only thing I could think of. I slapped him across the face. It was very Melrose Place of me, and I’m a little embarrassed to recount it. But I slapped him, and ran away. Only I didn’t have a plan, or anywhere to run. So I hid down the next alley, and it took him all of ten seconds to find me.
‘I’m sorry I slapped you,’ I said quietly, crying now.
‘I’m sorry I ever let you go,’ he said, and I realised he was crying too. He sat down with me behind the dumpster and put his arm around my shoulder.
Then I kissed him. I need to be very clear on that. I wasn’t seduced, or taken advantage of. I was approached by desperate love, and I said yes.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The real problem isn't these people, though. They're fine with their ignorance. They find themselves highly intelligent, highly amusing people and they dont realise, or particularly care no-one else does. The problem here is the monster I turn into when left in close quarters with these people.
I like to think of myself as tolerant, kind, non-judgemental. Hell, I've done and seen enough in my life to allow people the right to make their own choices. But these people, these people I want to kill. Seriously. Anyone who refers to themselves as 'class clown' but can't crack a joke, anyone who is determined to 'fight it out' with a teacher, anyone who insits on boring large groups of people by takling loudly about some dribble, these people make me angry. And proper angry.
I sit there and bitch and moan to anyone who will listen about how much they are annoying me. I make fun of them to their faces, but still they think I'm enjoying their company. I become a bad person.
So what's worse? Being arrogantly ignorant, or just being a bitch?
I know the answer, I just dont know how to help it.
God, they're annoying.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Most of the time, I can convince myself I'm happy where I am in life. I decided not to follow the career path led to me by my initial degree, and am now back to full-time study and working in a pub. And it feels good, knowing I'm young and can keep deciding what my dream is, and it doesn't matter how much time it wastes.
But every now and again, I see someone has had another baby, or gorgeous wedding photos, or some amazing job overseas, and I wonder if I've made the right choice.
Why are decisions always perfect on their own, but qualified against others we question them?
One girl in my old class is married with five kids. Five! I think I'm grown up for adopting a dog. Is 30 really the new 20? Or am I deluding myself I can keep on wasting time and get a 'real' job later?
But its okay, really. I know I'm happy, thats the main thing. I love James, I love Shaun, my job, my school. And if I'd taken the 'real' job in the first place I'd never have gotten to find out what I really love, or who I really am.
Besides, if I was in Hollywood, I'd be 40 before I'd be expected to get married and have kids.
Maybe I'll move to LA. Or New York. That sounds grown up.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
James told me not to worry, my fingers would toughen up and it wouldn't hurt anymore. And he was right, as usual. My fingers are already callousing.
It got me thinking though, how much in life must we suffer through in the promise it'll stop hurting?
There's the obvious one, break ups. You know it'll stop hurting eventually, but the mean time is a bitch.
Headaches. Noones ever died from one (don't quote me on that, I'm totally just guessing for effect) but that time waiting for the panadol to kick in is shithouse. You've paid good money for pain relief, why the delay?
Today Tonight. You know every day at 7pm it's over, yet it still hurts everytime you turn on channel 7 and it's playing.
Rules of karma, Murphy's Law, unnecessary time in suffering.
Whoever is responsible for this travesty needs a bullet. But they'd use it to shoot a kitten or something, most probably.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
1- Out with James for our one year (we made it!), caught a cab home, saw the shinning golden arches and thought why the hell not?
2- I've been a strict vegetarian for over two years.
LC- Hi, can I please order a small cheeseburger meal, without meat, and an apple pie?
MD- No meat?
LC- That's correct
MD- small cheeseburger, no pattie?
LC- Great! Is there an apple pie too?
MD- I forgot. That's an extra $2.40
LC- Wow, that's expensive! They used to be $1!
MD- They went up (no shit, Sherlock)
LC- Do I get my drink too?
MD- Oh yeah. (If sober, I would have been a bit more sus by this point. But I was hungry)
So eventually I joined James outside, ripped the burger in half and took one big jumbo bite, forgetting to chew and swallowed the baby. (If you've seen me eat drunk before I'm sure you're imagining this acurately.)
You can guess the rest. The premise was there from the beginning.
LC- So yeah, my cheeseburger had meat in it. I'm a vegetarian.
MD- Sorry about that. I'll get you another.
LC- Are you the manager?
LC- Do you have any idea how big a deal this is?
MD- I understand, I'm a vegetarian too. Have a medium fries.
The next part of the story is pretty embarrassing, I'll skim over it but basically involved a lot of tears and trying to make myself vomit and failing.
Here's the point of all this.
1- If I was going to return to the meat, it would never come from McDonalds.
2- Those frozen processed offal beef patties taste like arsehole. Serously. Have a break for a few months and when you try one you'll never want one again.
3- I don't want free stuff from McDonalds (James' first idea).
So I need your advice. Do I sue them? Write an angry email? Storm their restaurants? Or admit no self respecting human should go there for food in the first place and cut my losses?
Sigh. Two years to waste it on a fucking cheeseburger. It's like ending Dry July on a goon bag. I feel so cheated.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
As I'm at a point in my life where I'm searching for the silver lining, I'm pleased to announce, my loss comes with a gain.
To quote my friend Steve, when I was furiously hunting for it during our housewarming party on Friday night: 'but you don't even like it'.
Which is true. It's a piece of crap and I regretted not buying an iPhone 17 months ago, 16 1/2 months ago. Alas, I'm a woman of my contract (slash student, who can't afford to break it), so I have held on to my 'piece of crap', and mildly lusted after an iPhone at every available moment.
It's not even the first time my phone went 'missing'. In fact, last time I was so pleased that I could finally be financially irresponsible enough to add to my monthly expenses. And mildly disappointed when Steve had it in his pocket.
One of the men I work with refused to get an iPhone, simply because it was made by Apple. Now if you know me, you'd know brands don't mean a thing to me. So it goes both ways. I wont buy something just because it's a brand, so I wont not buy something just because it's a brand. And iPhones are fabulous.
So forgive me if i've been ignoring you, someone stole my phone.
And if it just happened to fall in your handbag, no hard feelings. I'm finally getting an iPhone.
And just when they've dropped the price. You bloody rippa.
PS I have yet received no money from Apple for this blog. But I'll print it off and take it in with me to the shop tomorrow. Wish me luck
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I've been a mum for nearly two weeks now, so I believe I have a lot of advice to any of you out there deciding whether parenthood is for you:
1. My baby is the cutest in the world, so be prepared to spend the rest of your life disappointed you didn't get mine.
2. I'm really tired.
3. My hair is falling out. Not from stress, but because Shaun keeps eating it.
4. If you want to be favourite parent, you have to be prepared to work against the other parent/s.
5. Babies are expensive. Hidden costs = many.
6. Diarrhea is never fun. No matter how much you love your baby. And it smells really bad.
7. Sometimes you forget to feed them, and this makes you feel guilty.
8. No other cuddle will ever be as good as that from your baby.
9. You get to have lots of quality nap time.
10. Shaun is gorgeous, right? As is you don't have a puppy.