Thursday, July 29, 2010

no pain = no gain. whose dumb idea was that?

James brought me a guitar for our anniversary. Best present ever. I've been a crap player my whole life and now have the means to get better. But to anyone who's played their first steel string before, you'll know what I mean when I say they bloody hurt! 

James told me not to worry, my fingers would toughen up and it wouldn't hurt anymore. And he was right, as usual. My fingers are already callousing. 

It got me thinking though, how much in life must we suffer through in the promise it'll stop hurting? 

There's the obvious one, break ups. You know it'll stop hurting eventually, but the mean time is a bitch. 

Headaches. Noones ever died from one (don't quote me on that, I'm totally just guessing for effect) but that time waiting for the panadol to kick in is shithouse. You've paid good money for pain relief, why the delay? 

Today Tonight. You know every day at 7pm it's over, yet it still hurts everytime you turn on channel 7 and it's playing. 

Rules of karma, Murphy's Law, unnecessary time in suffering. 

Whoever is responsible for this travesty needs a bullet. But they'd use it to shoot a kitten or something, most probably. 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Declaring war with McDonalds

Okay here's the back story:

1- Out with James for our one year (we made it!), caught a cab home, saw the shinning golden arches and thought why the hell not?
2- I've been a strict vegetarian for over two years.

LC- Hi, can I please order a small cheeseburger meal, without meat, and an apple pie?
MD- No meat?
LC- That's correct
•time passes•
MD- small cheeseburger, no pattie?
LC- Great! Is there an apple pie too?
MD- I forgot. That's an extra $2.40
LC- Wow, that's expensive! They used to be $1!
MD- They went up (no shit, Sherlock)
LC- Do I get my drink too?
MD- Oh yeah. (If sober, I would have been a bit more sus by this point. But I was hungry)

So eventually I joined James outside, ripped the burger in half and took one big jumbo bite, forgetting to chew and swallowed the baby. (If you've seen me eat drunk before I'm sure you're imagining this acurately.)

You can guess the rest. The premise was there from the beginning.

LC- So yeah, my cheeseburger had meat in it. I'm a vegetarian.
MD- Sorry about that. I'll get you another.
LC- Are you the manager?
MD nods
LC- Do you have any idea how big a deal this is?
MD- I understand, I'm a vegetarian too. Have a medium fries.

The next part of the story is pretty embarrassing, I'll skim over it but basically involved a lot of tears and trying to make myself vomit and failing.

Here's the point of all this.

1- If I was going to return to the meat, it would never come from McDonalds.
2- Those frozen processed offal beef patties taste like arsehole. Serously. Have a break for a few months and when you try one you'll never want one again.
3- I don't want free stuff from McDonalds (James' first idea).

So I need your advice. Do I sue them? Write an angry email? Storm their restaurants? Or admit no self respecting human should go there for food in the first place and cut my losses?

Sigh. Two years to waste it on a fucking cheeseburger. It's like ending Dry July on a goon bag. I feel so cheated.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

my loss, my gain. a tale of optimism

After denying it for the last 36 hours, it's time to admit; I no longer have my mobile phone. I simply refused to me one of those people who exclaim 'somebody stole it!' but it's, sigh, looking more and more likely.

As I'm at a point in my life where I'm searching for the silver lining, I'm pleased to announce, my loss comes with a gain.

To quote my friend Steve, when I was furiously hunting for it during our housewarming party on Friday night: 'but you don't even like it'.

Which is true. It's a piece of crap and I regretted not buying an iPhone 17 months ago, 16 1/2 months ago. Alas, I'm a woman of my contract (slash student, who can't afford to break it), so I have held on to my 'piece of crap', and mildly lusted after an iPhone at every available moment.

It's not even the first time my phone went 'missing'. In fact, last time I was so pleased that I could finally be financially irresponsible enough to add to my monthly expenses. And mildly disappointed when Steve had it in his pocket.

One of the men I work with refused to get an iPhone, simply because it was made by Apple. Now if you know me, you'd know brands don't mean a thing to me. So it goes both ways. I wont buy something just because it's a brand, so I wont not buy something just because it's a brand. And iPhones are fabulous.

So forgive me if i've been ignoring you, someone stole my phone.

And if it just happened to fall in your handbag, no hard feelings. I'm finally getting an iPhone.

And just when they've dropped the price. You bloody rippa.

PS I have yet received no money from Apple for this blog. But I'll print it off and take it in with me to the shop tomorrow. Wish me luck

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Parenthood #101

I've been a mum for nearly two weeks now, so I believe I have a lot of advice to any of you out there deciding whether parenthood is for you:

1. My baby is the cutest in the world, so be prepared to spend the rest of your life disappointed you didn't get mine.
2. I'm really tired.
3. My hair is falling out. Not from stress, but because Shaun keeps eating it.
4. If you want to be favourite parent, you have to be prepared to work against the other parent/s.
5. Babies are expensive. Hidden costs = many.
6. Diarrhea is never fun. No matter how much you love your baby. And it smells really bad.
7. Sometimes you forget to feed them, and this makes you feel guilty.
8. No other cuddle will ever be as good as that from your baby.
9. You get to have lots of quality nap time.
10. Shaun is gorgeous, right? As is you don't have a puppy.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Social Anarchy

I had a friend once talk to me years ago about the anti-piracy ads at the beginning of DVD's.You know the ones, where they're telling you what you wouldn't do?

He told me that simply being told he wouldn't steal a handbag, he wouldn't steal a car, he wouldn't steal a movie made him tempted to do it. He'd never had any motivation to steal anything before, but who's this dick head in the t.v. telling me what I would and wouldn't do?

I never forgot the conversation, because it made me laugh, but also made me wonder if he was right. How often do we do things just because we're told not to?

It's like the fruit in the garden on Eden, really. If you were told you could eat from any tree in the world, except one, and no one was looking, you'd want to sneak a bite, right?

Lately I've discovered my own anarchist. And it's all because of those stickers they put on the double toilet rolls in public toilets, telling you 'use this roll first.'

It started simply enough, I used the opposite roll they told me to. I mean, I have access to both rolls, and I have entirely no idea why one would be more important to finish first.

But then I got carried away. You can move those babies.

So here's my challenge to you my followers: Next time your in a public toot and see a double roll holder telling you what to do, show it who's boss and move the sticker across to the other roll.

It's probably the most rebellious, and most liberating thing you'll ever do.