Sunday, May 30, 2010

me and my bad luck

it's time for a tirade.

I am so done with people who always carry on about 'their bad luck'. No-one has bad luck, they are just stupid. I mean every one has bad luck from time to time, but if you put all your savings in an envelope in your handbag and leave it on the bar while you go to the toot, its probably going to be stolen. It's not 'your bad luck', it's your stupid head.

If you turn up late for work, drink on the job and leave abusive notes in the diary, you're probably going to be let go. It's not 'your bad luck', you're a fuck head.

My early christian development convinced me my words have the power of life and death. Speak bad luck over yourself, you'll be a twat. Decide things are going to go well for you, you'll make an effort to ensure that happens.

God they annoy me. Sort your life out. Karmas a bitch, but only if you were first.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Tales of a hypercondriac

Wednesday morning I woke up and I couldn't move. Literally, couldn't move. I was paralysed. Well, actually, no, I couldn't move my neck. But I did wake up James in a panic exclaiming "James, I can't move!"

He turned to me and asked me to wiggle my fingers. At this point, I knew I'd been acting like a drama queen. But it was so scary. So once I explained more conservatively I COULD move, just not my neck, he helped me sit up and assess the situation.

"You must have slept funny"

Slept funny? How can I wake up paralysed from funny sleep? Something was wrong, really wrong. I rang my boss and told him I couldn't move and probably wouldn't make my shift in 6hours, just a heads up.

I started to call my mum to ask weather I go to the chiropractor, or just straight to the ER. James suggested I wait a little and see if I start to feel better before I call my mother and send her into a panic.

Clearly James had no idea how serious this situation was, I was paralysed. Well, I couldn't move my neck. To one side.

To keep my boy happy looking after his crippled girlfriend, we ordered pizza from bed (I love and watched a horror movie.

By the end of our Keanu Reeves treat, I was getting bored and figured I'd give getting dressed a go. Did that, so decided I'd go into work after all.

Two hours later, my neck was fine.

I still think we should have called the ambulance. I mean, I do pay $60 per annum for membership.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Times when it's impossible to be feminine

#1 When you're suffering from explosive diarrhea
#2 When you sneeze and accidentally sneeze up snot
#3 When you sneeze and accidentally fart
#4 When someone is performing the hymlic maneuver on you
#5 When you slip on a road grate and land on your back
#6 When a child asks you why you have a moustache
#7 When you're drowning in quicksand
#8 When your dog humps your leg
#9 When competing in an all-you-can-eat-in-30-seconds event
#10 When you throw up in your lap