Waiting on my world to change

This morning I realised; not only is 2011 completely out of my control, my fate entirely in the hands of others; but I have absolutely no contingency plans.

Well thats not entirely true;
if my book doesn't get picked up, I guess I'll go back to school
if my business proposal doesn't get accepted, I guess I'll go back to school.

But God, the other options seem so much more exciting.

I know I've done everything I can already. I wrote the book. I sent a killer letter to the publishers. I wrote the business plan. I attended the meetings. I'm pretty happy with everything I've done. But if they don't like it? Then it was all for nothing. And I'm at my all too familiar 'square one'.


Every now and again (usually around Dec/Jan every year... funny that) I have a huge anxiety attack about what I'm doing - or not doing. This year is no different. I have limited funds - thanks to an international holiday I still haven't paid myself back for. I have a job with NO stability, and I have a million different ideas, none I can settle on, or make happen myself.

And every year I remind myself - hey, this year turned out alright. So take one foot, place it in front of the other, and repeat, until you end up somewhere.

That's the beauty of life. It's the things you don't expect, you don't plan for, that take you somewhere amazing.

Bring it on fate/universe/spirit-guide/karma. I trust you.

And besides, I love school.

... and they said it wouldn't last.

This week I'm using my blog for something completely self-serving: I'm paying tribute to two of my favourite boys: Tim & Anthony.

Today is their 12 month anniversary and I couldn't be happier for them. Now I know we all have battles in relationships. All of us struggle, act irrational, act crazy even because of this little thing called 'love' that takes us over. But wow - do these boys have to fight.

I've always had issues with the concept of love. Why? Because it's so undefinable. I love food. I love New York City. I love my dogs. I love books. I love James. I love lentil pie. I love my brother. I love my colleagues. I love the Beckhams. I love my parents, but in completely different ways.

See the point I'm making? It's all love, and I won't back down from that. And I will never let anyone legitimise the love I feel for all the above listed items.

The time I've spent watching Tim & Anthony fall in love over and over, deeper and deeper has been an absolute privilege (well, mostly - I make sure Tim knows when I don't appreciate it...). The times I catch their stolen looks, hear their silly giggles, see them in matching outfits - hell, it's awesome.

I love these boys. And I will spend the rest of my life fighting for the right for their love to be as legitimate as any other.

I'm so proud of you both, every day. You are true heroes, and make the rest of us look like wimps.

Happy Anniversary. I love you Xxx

I'm kind of a nerd.

I am an education junkie. I danced out of my year 12 exams swearing "I'd never do that again". Then 6 months later I enrolled in TAFE. Then I got bored and went to Uni. Then I finished my degree, tried working for a bit, but got bored and went back to TAFE for something new.

I'm trying to appropriately set the scene for what I'm about to say.

I LOVE school. I LOVE learning. I love the feeling you get when you master something, or solve something, or finish something. I wrote a 62000 word novel in 6 months. I bloody love working hard and 'bettering myself'.

But there is something that I hate, more than anything. More than full-time work, and that's saying something.

Homework for the sake of homework.

Today, I have spent 4 hours searching for 'errors' in bad publications. I am required to submit a scrapbook of 40 spelling or grammar errors for 10% of my grade for the year.

Things I hate about this:

1 - It's tedious

2 - It's a waste of time

3 - I'm not learning a thing

4 - I'm having to read MX and the Leader and Twilight

After 4 hours, I have found 6 errors.

During my holiday in Queensland, I had a write a Newsletter for a pretend company. I had to write a book review for a pretend newspaper. My favourite waste of time assignment this year was a 5 minute presentation on a topic of my choice to an audience of my choice.

To prove my point to the teacher of just how dumb an exercise it was, I showed the class pictures of Shaun, my puppy. She didn't get the point. She gave me a distinction.

It's for this reason, and many more, I won't be spending next year in full-time education. I will continue to study, but only the classes that don't waste my time.

But I will miss the delights of AUSTUDY. Newstart is a bitch.

How not to be dumb #1

Today I broke my golden rule: never run for a train, you look like an idiot.

Even though I've been living in Brunswick for over 18 months, I got my timetable mixed up and arrived just as the train was departing.

There was the momentary "will I, won't I" question followed by the wrong choice: I will.

Train drivers must fucking love checking their rear vision mirrors to see the disapointment dance of not-passengers when the train pulls away.

It's an awkward moment, always shared with a person you made eye contact with on the other side of the glass in the hope that connection could break down walls. Or open doors at least.

You know what? I was right to make that rule. I've had a lovely 15 min rest at the station enjoying the sun and now get to make a grand entrance to class.

Being late makes you cool.

Running for the trains makes you dumb.

That's my lesson #1 for you

And you can quote me on that.

Lately I've been stuck on a really big question:

Is who I am today the person I want to be forever?

I've just finished my book, about faith, hope and love in a broken world. My story is fiction, but the premise is not. I've thought long and hard about the importance of faith, the institution of religion, the value of family and friendship and making peace with God.

Here's the thing though; five years ago, I believed something completely different. Can I submit my book for publishing, knowing that I could be quoted on things I've later changed my mind about?

The way I see it, life is a journey. There are no black and white answers. We take the situations we're presented and we shape our values daily. There are a million things that could happen in the future to change how I see the world, and I find that incredibly exciting.

So no; I don't want to be this person forever. I hope I never stop growing, learning and challenging. I just pray, that by putting my ideas on paper, I still have permission to re-shape them whenever and however I see fit.

Because what is life, if not a journey? And how can we change the world, if we're not allowed to change ourselves? And how can we live at peace if we can't accept our differences?

Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Love.

Life in the Sunshine (Coast)

Its was the holiday I would boast about for months: House-sitting my parents gorgeous new apartment on the waterfront of Alexandra Headland. Two weeks, me, Coco, Diana & Prince, and the amazing Sunshine Coast sun.

Turns out, Sunshine Coast holidays aren't as fun without the sun. And cats and dogs, as much as you love them, aren't nearly as cool as your friends who all happen to be visiting Melbourne while you are away.

Is it true? Is the grass always greener?

It was sunny and Grand Final mania in Melbourne on the weekend. I was at my Grandpa's eating rice crackers under the over cast sky.

One night I went to the pub by myself because I was bored and wanted someone to talk to. My friends from Tassie were playing a gig at the Espy; not to mention the weekend before my friends from Sydney playing their EP launch at the Northcote Social Club.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, I'm in the most amazing place, with the most amazing little pets to keep me both company.. and busy. But what is life, if you aren't with your friends?

I always thought I was super independent, traveled alone, enjoyed dinners for one, but I have to confess, my nights always end with a text, or a call to someone saying 'I wish you were there.'

Let's face it, life is better with the people you love.

So my Melbourne darlings, I look forward to seeing you soon. And a whole lot more of you.

XXX