me and my bad luck

it's time for a tirade.

I am so done with people who always carry on about 'their bad luck'. No-one has bad luck, they are just stupid. I mean every one has bad luck from time to time, but if you put all your savings in an envelope in your handbag and leave it on the bar while you go to the toot, its probably going to be stolen. It's not 'your bad luck', it's your stupid head.

If you turn up late for work, drink on the job and leave abusive notes in the diary, you're probably going to be let go. It's not 'your bad luck', you're a fuck head.

My early christian development convinced me my words have the power of life and death. Speak bad luck over yourself, you'll be a twat. Decide things are going to go well for you, you'll make an effort to ensure that happens.

God they annoy me. Sort your life out. Karmas a bitch, but only if you were first.

Tales of a hypercondriac

Wednesday morning I woke up and I couldn't move. Literally, couldn't move. I was paralysed. Well, actually, no, I couldn't move my neck. But I did wake up James in a panic exclaiming "James, I can't move!"

He turned to me and asked me to wiggle my fingers. At this point, I knew I'd been acting like a drama queen. But it was so scary. So once I explained more conservatively I COULD move, just not my neck, he helped me sit up and assess the situation.

"You must have slept funny"

Slept funny? How can I wake up paralysed from funny sleep? Something was wrong, really wrong. I rang my boss and told him I couldn't move and probably wouldn't make my shift in 6hours, just a heads up.

I started to call my mum to ask weather I go to the chiropractor, or just straight to the ER. James suggested I wait a little and see if I start to feel better before I call my mother and send her into a panic.

Clearly James had no idea how serious this situation was, I was paralysed. Well, I couldn't move my neck. To one side.

To keep my boy happy looking after his crippled girlfriend, we ordered pizza from bed (I love dominos.com) and watched a horror movie.

By the end of our Keanu Reeves treat, I was getting bored and figured I'd give getting dressed a go. Did that, so decided I'd go into work after all.

Two hours later, my neck was fine.

I still think we should have called the ambulance. I mean, I do pay $60 per annum for membership.

Times when it's impossible to be feminine

#1 When you're suffering from explosive diarrhea

#2 When you sneeze and accidentally sneeze up snot

#3 When you sneeze and accidentally fart

#4 When someone is performing the hymlic maneuver on you

#5 When you slip on a road grate and land on your back

#6 When a child asks you why you have a moustache

#7 When you're drowning in quicksand

#8 When your dog humps your leg

#9 When competing in an all-you-can-eat-in-30-seconds event

#10 When you throw up in your lap

Hard Rubbish Week

Definitely my favourite part of Melbourne life, but this week hard rubbish has left me feeling a little sore.

See, on Monday, I was shopping with my friend Bek when I stumbled across a little piece of heaven. It was a bright purple, comfy as hell arm chair for $20. $20! bargain! I was so excited I rounded my boyfriend to come and collect it for me immediately. I took it home, so excited to show my housemates the treat I was to bring to their life.

It was magic. We all stood around the chair, admiring it, trying to fathom how somebody could discard it.

Well, whatever really. Because the next day I got a text from Tim, my favourite roomie, with a photo of a 3 seater sofa and 2 matching arm chairs discarded 4 houses down from us. I met him straight away after class and we took it home.

The problem was, now I felt ripped off for having paid $20 for my arm chair.

To make matters much worse, today when I set off down the street for a chocolate milk, I found not one, but 2 leather arm chairs waiting, no begging, for someone to take them home and love them.

Savers, go fuck yourself. I'm never paying money for your shit again.

My Friend Steve

Reasons why I like Steve:

1 - He looks like my brother

2 - He always brings alcohol

3 - He doesn't get angry at me for going to bed early

4 - He gave me the best job in the world

5 - He lets me drink on the job

6 - He picks me up when I'm too drunk to figure out how to call a cab

7 - He keeps my secrets

8 - He has a silly little face

9 - He dances

10 - He always says 'yes'. Even to going sailing with his brother at 7am Sunday morning